In my unrelentless efforts to negate feelings of the past I've become numb and apathetic to any new feelings.

Sundays I wake up hung over and have band practice til' 4:30 then Dennis takes me and my bike to work. After work I get a beer with co-workers, then I ride home, play guitar, write about everything but a girl and go to sleep.

Monday morning I try to get out(weather permitting) and then go to work. On a night like monday night sometimes I come home to a pseudo-party. I get drunk and pass out early.

Tuesdays are like clockwork, I work all day and then take the long way home so I can pick up two 40oz. and a flask of vodka or whiskey depending on how bad work was. I drink as much of it as I can while playing guitar or keyboards, I also write lyrics but they never sound good the next day. They are usually self-deprecating and sound like cries for help.

Wednesday is my day off and anything can happen, sometimes I go hiking or play frisbee. If the weather is poor like last week, we play board games or do a puzzle and drink. Sometimes I go to a party with my roomies, where everyone seems to like me, but they don't know a thing about me. I feel comfortable because I don't need to open up cause no one else is. I play drinking games, listen to bad music, and dance with girls. I feel really happy cause I know I have little in common with these people. I am excepted here because I'm friendly, I make a good beer pong partner, and because the hosts good friend is my roommate. I also feel really happy because in a room full of polo shirts, clean shoes, and neatly groomed hair, I stand out.

Thursday is our other practice day, we jam from noon til' five. Afterwards I really don't know what to do with myself, I'm physically and metally exhausted. Sometimes I sit on the computer til' I'm tired enough to sleep. Other times I drink myself to sleep.

Fridays are a rollercoaster of fun times and great music. I work all day and usually get really frustrated and anxious for the night to come. Theres always a show at either The Alley House, or The Plummer Schoolhouse. Rarely I'll skip out but only if theres a better show at any one of the five venues I frequent. On my way to the house shows I stop to pick up beer. I'm usually the first of my good friends to arrive, so the first half hour is spent drinking as much beer as I can and talking to acquaintances. The shows are great, the music is astronomical! I'm in my own little world, sometimes I peer out and see a cute girl I could dance with, or someone I'd like to talk to. But I don't, I just go back to having a great time by myself in an overcrowded room. Between bands is torture, I go outside and smoke by myself or with a friend. When I'm alone out there, a pack of cigarettes couldn't subside the anxiety I feel. Theres large groups of people talking and smoking that I would know if I would just crawl out of my perfect world. Sometimes at these shows I drink too much in an attempt to try out their world.

Saturday morning I wake up feeling overwhelmed, first I get up and check my backpack and pockets to see if I lost anything. Thats when I feel the bruises or scrapes, half the time I don't know where they came from. I could have fallen off my bike, they could be pit bruises, or most recently; taking a backwards dive off of someones porch. Then glimpses of memory come leaking in and force a full day of self-examination. Thats why I wrote this, I want to see what my life is like in writing. In an hour I will hop on my bike and ride to work. After work I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll only drink if I go out tonight.

Don't get me wrong I'm very happy with myself and my life but that doesn't mean I can't improve on it. I need to change up my week a bit and I think I'll start with tuesdays. Next tuesday after work I'll take the short way home and avoid the liquor store. I'll sit in my room and work on one of a dozen half completed art projects. That reminds me, I need a dremel so I can finish my guitar project.